Since being home my family has had so many moments where I feel like the ground beneath our feet is caving in beneath us. The most evident moment was this past Thursday when my middle brother and his wife came to stay at our house for the night before continuing on to Memphis in the morning. Within two minutes of them stepping in the door way there was bitterness, unrighteous anger, unforgiveness, harsh words, yelling and really anything but physical assault.
I just left the house and started walking our field and started praying then called and texted some people I knew would be fervent in praying for me and my family with out needing me to stay on the phone for an hour giving them all the details. When I got back from praying and went into our house things had calmed down a little. My family was now trying to pray and talk things through and had repentant hearts, but there was still an uneasiness I felt while in my house that even when they said they had worked through things did not leave.
As I laid there trying to sleep I kept asking God to just get rid of whatever was making me uneasy because I needed to rest. Next thing I knew Satan was in my ear telling me that the fights that have been happening and happened Thursday night were my fault. He started telling me I know your family is your weak spot… You love them so much… or so you say… if you love your family you will stop pursuing God…that is all you have to do to stop the pain… if you do this one thing I will leave you and your family alone… you can live life happy and it will be easy.
I just started balling I was torn I have fallen so in love with God and I could not imagine ever being happy of life being easy if He was not apart of it. But at the same time it did not seem easy and happy with Him in it currently either. My walk with Him was awesome and I was genuinely happy; my family did not seem to be however. I struggled with the idea of me pursuing God was selfish and unfair to my family before I realized I have to love God more than my family. I have to be willing to let them go and lose them if necessary to pursue God with my whole heart.
I pretty told Satan to get lost and that He can do what He wants to my family I will not stop pursuing God. I know that God is so joyful that He has stolen my heart and that my heart is in it to love him. God then brought Psalm 37:4 to my heart, “Delight yourself in the lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I still have the desire for my family to be protected and in me delighting myself in the Lord; in choosing to love HIM more than my Family, He will protect them and keep us safe from Satan’s attempt to break us apart.
I am so glad that we serve a loving, gentle, merciful God. Our love is what He desires and requires of us… In the words of Katherina, from Shakesprear’s Taming of the Shrew, “Too little payment for so great a debt.”